Life Of A Lone Superstar

My entire life I have had this inner feeling that I was meant for greatness. It started when I was about 7 years old, and I remember living in my lower-class city neighborhood, and KNEW that I wasn't meant to live the life that I was exposed to.

I always thought I felt this disconnect because I wanted to get a higher education. I wanted to go to College, and get a degree. From the time since I was in the womb, my Mother always instilled in me and later my brother the importance of college and how it was important to go and become successful. While, my brother never adjusted to the idea of college or school, I did. As a result, I excelled in academia, went onto college, graduated, went to graduate school at an IVY league university, graduated, and believed I have achieved this greatness of destiny.

I was wrong. After completing graduate school, and finally proving to myself that I am intelligent (a inner insecurity I had inside myself since I was in grade school), I still felt empty. I began and still continue to feel incomplete. I feel that there is more out there for me and I have begun to think I have been suffocating my soul by ignoring this urge.

When I was in 6Th grade, we had an assignment. The assignment was simple: write a paper about what you want to be someday. I thought about the assignment, and decided that I wanted to be an actor. My Mom, while didn't discourage me from this aspiration, told me that I should get a higher education first, just in case that dream didn't pan out. For whatever reason, in my psyche, I took this to mean to not do it. So, instead, I wrote a paper about wanting to be a teacher.

While I got a B+ on the paper (albeit, since the emotion behind the paper wasn't authentic), I continue down this quest. I went to college, got a degree in a safe field and now work in this said safe field. I garnered a safe job ( a very good one in fact), and did all the *right* things with my life. Yet, the calling, the feeling, the desire, still echoes in the back of my brain.

The irony to this is that I am stale Television watcher. I watch the same shows over and over. Yet, when I do watch them, I envision myself in that world, what I could bring to the table, and how at home I would feel there.

I love to make people laugh, I love to see the reaction of pleasure on their faces, I love to know that I am giving them a joy that most cannot fulfill for them in their daily lives.. Yet, I have been afraid to embrace my desire. I have been afraid the light of it would be to0 glaring for my eyes and most of all, afraid of failing.

Until now. This new year will bring more to me. Will bring more to my psyche and I will become more fulfilled. I will get exposed to the calling, and with any luck and with time and practice, the emptiness I have been ignoring will fade... forever.